SOOOOO this semester I have no lunch,  five of my hardest IB courses back to back the whole day, after school I have dance and string orchestra and then the mandatory three hours of hair tearing homework (that requires you to be not just smart but also witty, talented and a sponge.) Then there's the volunteer hours, the art class that makes you dream colors and student council. I really thought that I was going to die this week.
   
    Surprisingly, really really surprisingly.  I'm finding my groove. What a shock, I really thought that i was going to get lost in the shuffle at first, but it was really easy to just go in with a bright open attitude and face it like a WOman.  
        Too bad I'm only getting like six and a half hours of sleep and I'm operating on coffee and deadlines. Bleah it's the weekend, everythings alright. 

completely belongs to Stiff Little Fingers "Gotta get away" and reruns of Spongebob Sqauare Pants, get ready for class of 09 ppl

Oh god jared leto.

l always come to great epiphanies in the shower for some reason.   I work myself up in a tangle before I go to bed, thinking and analyzing and just blowing things out of proportion and then bringing myself back to a freaky Freudian dream.  I guess when I finally step into the steaming shower in the morning, my brain just goes 'enough, screw this, this is what I need to do'  Viola

So yeah, I've decided to take some time off.  I'm posing self inflicted hermit-ness onto myself for the next week, longer if my brain still stresses out just thinking about stuff.

Never thought summer would be more stressful than the school year honestly,  you know something's wrong when...

I went camping first, then to a mass of sleepovers that went WOSH right over my head,  to go downtown, to get to my friend in freaking next state because I haven't seen her in a year, to pleasing my parents, to social drama, to the stupid guys in my life, to the stupid stupid guys in my life, and just, to this strange cluttered feeling of just GARG.

I think I'm having what's called a mid-teen crisis.

So my phone is unplugged, I'm staying off messenger and nex, the only place where I'm going to visit regularly and often, is the pen, paper, and journal.  

For most of my life I'm used to moving around, not having much company and whatever company there is, kinda loses it's draw after a while.   Being the only child, and being that my parents are there like for a grand total of like ten hours/week I'm used to being on my own. I worked out everything based on my interests and my needs.   I could not sleep last night, having one of those blind attacks of 'omg I'mma die one day and all i've done is this curdd, dangdangdoodie'

Refocus, I want to draw, write and paint and rip up things and make them new again.   

I'm not built for so much shallow social interaction for a month on end with no reprieve, I want to curl up and be like the little insolent rebellious nerd inside my heart. 

X)

Okay, so today was the last official day of classes.  It's was strange for me because everybody was pretty breezy about it and like "see ya next year" and I'm all like.  No i wont

IB i got in, great googles why did I apply?   It was because my friends didn't I could do it, and at the time I was so sick of everybody around, FAKE FAKE ass bitches.

But now I guess things have calmed, i can clearly make the distinction between who are my friends, and who are just there.   There's too many in the second group.  I'm trying to be positive about the fact that I'm starting over, but it's really really difficult when you've worked so hard to get what you have.  It always happens.  My parents are the most spastic movers ever, I've lived in more places than I could count and I've in Vancouver the longest I've lived ANYWHERE.  I've lived here for two and a half years. 

So what now?/  I start all over again or something?? I'm so sick of doing that.  Totally new high school, totally new friendships, totally new scenery.  I have this one friend of mine who applied also, got in and is going with me.  When she was applying, me and her were really good friends.  We did sports together, stayed after school and did PEP -_-  But then that was before I found out how good of a liar she is, and I can't take anything she says at face value anymore.  I just give up, it doesn't matter about her.  She and I have nothing to do with each other really anymore from this point on, I don't care if location forces us together.  It's too much effort to keep our friendship running. 

(I'm seriously gonna bawl or something, because she could have been my best friend, but she wont get the chance to anymore.) 

I said goodbye to my Ex today.  I mean we see each other everyday at school, do more physical contact that what should appropriate for ex boyfriend and girlfriends and playfully mock each other.  But no matter how many feelings I still have for him, I know that it wouldn't really work anymore, unless of course i say "sorry I was such a bitch the last time we tried it out, but I was just so scared of being in a real relationship and I didn't think you would like me anymore if I showed you who I really was." hmm  We don't really have an excuse to be hanging out over the summer or anything.  He says that he would teach me how to cook and stuff, but I know that would be BEYOND awkward, so i declined very graciously. 

Erg, what a day.

Why did I take French, like seriously, was I mentally upped in the head when I was looking at my course selection sheets or something?? And I picked it for next year too!! D:     I want to be good at it, because talking it makes me feel smart and sexy and sophisticated, but it's dammned hard.   The language has freaking ass loads of irregular verbs where there's nothing else to do but Memorise! and thennnnnn just arrrg.

I should studying right now, because I have my French final in like sixteen hours. But...it's nearly impossible right now because I'm so icky feeling.  That kinda discontent feeling when you realize that nothing your doing in your life actually makes sense of what you want to be doing with your life.  :(

I hate finals week, it always forces me to learn. 

My life is messy right now, that all I can say about it.  I was in lock down all day, and I didn't accomplish a thing, all it did was make me feel slightly suicidal.   My mom stayed home today too so you just know it's going to be an awesome day.  What happened was awkward.  It involved me drowning my own uselessness in my weight in Pepsi and holing myself in my room listening to my music on my headphones so her disappointment doesn't hurt as much it usually does.    I've been student of the year in my school last year, and this year I did pot and got drunk and was nearly arrested.   I don't think I'm nominated this year for anything really.  I'm still pulling straight A's (barely barely barely) and still in a sport every season, still a tutor, still a volunteer, still a music freak.   But everything that my parents wanted for me kind of came to screeching halt as I started to push aside my violin studies to go to a concert, and my drawing for ripping apart my clothes and sewing them together again.    I kind of stopped being a creator my mom said, and started being a follower.   Huh.

Never thought of it that way actually, have I??
All my friends drifted, every single one of us who cut our finger tips and swore to be sisters forever are drifting.  I find myself making plans with people I've only been talking closely with for a few days to go do things way out of my comfort level when I really just wanted to stay home and read a book or something.

And today I stayed home and I felt horrible and I realized that I didn't really have anyone to call....

   Okay it came to me that it was Friday the Thirteenth like just now, when there's is less than twenty min of the holy day left. Damngiit

Normally I have horrible days on Friday the 13th, even though it's normally my own completely neurotic paranoia that turns my day to shitt, but this time it just happened on its own.   It was like, wonderful things are happening, but the small horrible incidents in the middle of it make it so goddaamn sad.     Like the fact that the cute guy at the starbucks was flirting with my friend and me (of course appropriately fellas), but it made us late.  The worst part of it is that me and friend didn't use our head and arrived late TOGETHER which is just STUPID because then the teacher KNOWS that we thought that we had better things to do than cram for finals.   And landed us in detention, frickdoodles.

And then it just escalated from there.    A compliment, then a run in my tights.  An A and then a minus attached to the side of it, a hug and then a waff of B.O.   Just great. 

I'm aching for summer, aching so much it's giving me headaches.  How do you explain why my head was throbbing the whole day?

I was just so stupid today too, normally i use my head, because being that's it's attached to my neck and it moves I thought it would be good if I used it and all, but today it just seemed to ditch completely and decide to take a vacation.  So I said stupid stuff, did stupider stuff and ended up just being dead tired.

I got home at ten which made my parents angry because i didn't bring my cell today (see stupid) and didnt' call them at nine when i usually did if I was out later than that   I honestly didn't even know that it was Ten, because the sun set only like twenty minutes ago and it was still nice and breezy outside.  but whatever, now I'm grounded and I can't go downtown tomorrow.  FARRRRRRRRRG

Anyhooowww I've conducted a list of all the things I have to do tomorrow since I can't do anything with anyone...   Among them are sleep in and make a friggen father's day present so it shall be a no brainer.  (good cause I don't know where it's gone)

Cold play isn't the best thing to listen to when your depressed

There's stuff due, there's still stuff I want to do, there's still plans to cancel, and there's still time to breath before manic Monday.  The weekend flew by way to fast for my liking, it's a horrifying feeling thinking about Monday morning because there's only so and so days left, I can count them on both hands.  I'm in such a summer mindset right now, brain full of plans, and dates and adventures not in my room doing homework.   So what am i suppose to do when i have an essay due, a final tomorrow, and worst of all, first period Phys ED. O_O

WHYYY?!?!?!?


My schedule this year sucked so much, it's gym and then electives, scatter your friends throughout the entire school so you can't find each other during recess and your forced to be social Urg.  Worse thing is that you can't have your phone, music, or even hat through this horrifying two hours. 

Maybe the world will be nice and give us some sun for tomorrow, because although the whole load of global warming madness has infested the rest of the world in a panic, it's going to get colder here because that means more clouds, more clouds means less sun more rain, and as if the lower interior needs any MORE rain.   D:

And the worst thing is??? I had fun today, but for some reason there's this huge bubble of almost freaking DEPRESSION, pressing down on my valves.   I'm going to go outside and breathe.   

XD, the worst kinds of sleepovers is the ones where you sneak out at four in the morning to get snacks from 7/11, only to be eyed in the store by a bunch of wrinkled bikers and then on the way back, smell pot and hear rustling in the bushes.

Ahh the night life.

I slept for six hours, that's from 8am to 10am and then 2pm to 6pm.  So it'll be fun tomorrow when i go to castle fun park!!  :D

    It's always frustrating when you find someone who is just SO much like you that you swear to god that you were from the same sperm or something, and then find yourself unable to like that person, cause in fact they are TOO much like you. 

The world is too small for the both of us.

My life was always about music, from the moment it started to probably when it ends.   Today consisted of a concert, two hours of practicing, then,singing, dancing, and writing of said music.  Right now I'm plugged, completely without all senses except hearing.  I can't have it any other way.  It's like god, whoever he is, in his great amusement screwed us over by giving us a very sterilized reason for everything, a science behind everything, except love, art, and music.  I haven't met anyone who doesn't relate to some sort of music, love some sort of beat and revere a certain artist.   I certain hope I will never meet anyone like that, because that will be like the greatest disillusion of all.

But I think even if I live and accomplish nothing except love music, I think I will be fine.  I don't want to understand any science behind it, I refuse to think of it as air waves and chemical triggers in our brains.  I will never be so boring and stripped of life as to even contemplate that.    I hate it when people pigeonhole music and give it genre's and then hate on a certain genre.  What the hell?   I don't see people doing that with art, no they see paint and paper and color and ART.  But somehow you can't like country and rap and be a decent person in some people's eyes. 

Anyways, I think I was a bit lonely or something today, which is weird cause I'm surrounded by people all the time.   It's like, somehow I've shut myself up and the only way that it comes out is with a keyboard, a violin and a pen.  I'm pretty tired. 

I'm listening to Nirvana on repeat for some reason, circulating all their albums from start to finish, even their early stuff before mainstream America decided to 'get real' for a while, and their late stuff when Curt dove deeper into unknown territories.    I'm so entranced by his voice, by no means a perfect pitch and growl, but I can't stop curling my toes.  What does he feel when he sings, when he plays?  Does he feel the same helpless need to release like I do?  Or does he feel it harder?? IF he does then I feel that madness was surely the only direction that he could go.  Because when something so deeply, deeply felt is released and your met with blank uncomprehending faces. 

It kills..

    So we get this assignment from our leadership/personal planning class that was stemmed from that monster of a movie "pay it forward".   Remember how in the beginning of the movie, the boy gets an assignment from his seventh grade teacher to "do something to change the world?" well now my teacher, in her great swing from consumer to thinker, assigned the same assignment to US.    The 'humanitarian' project was given to us on Wednesday, we were suppose to come up with an idea by Friday.  Which is tomorrow.   Which means I have to find a brilliant way to change the world, in the next five hours because I can't very pull an all nighter on a Thursday!!  ...damn.        

    I really hate it when my school days gets blitzed by an over hyperactive preppy girl with no sense of self esteem.   Especially when I've had in total four hours of sleep and three hours of flopping about the bed trying to sleep.    It's the age old story, my friends are friends with her friends,.  We've never spoken really besides the occation 'hii' and 'suppp' and 'bye' and 'omg that shirt is da domb'       So you can imagine my surprise when my friend Alex sneakily told into my ear during study period that "hey you know that Kirsten bitch?? She totally hates your guts, she's been ranting about how you think your all that and your not!"      

...

So I want to go confront her, I don't really know why, because normally I can take these things and with so little days left in the school year, i just let things slide, I mean COME ON what was I thinking, just two more weeks and I'll never have to see this girl willingly ever again.  But still, maybe it's the lack of sleep, punctuated with the fact that I had so many things due, and my friends were rubbing me the wrong way, and I was just plain frustrated (i swear to all gods it's not PMS IT"S NOT)    It was so pathetic that I nearly tore my hair out, not just her reaction, but the fact that I actually got riled up by it.  Jeezus, I said no more drama and here I was, walking right into it with all the intention of some catfighting.

I was on a war path literally, but somehow my friend (not the one that told me in the first place) found out that I was rampaging, and physically restrained me from going.  He got me icecream, I cooled down, things were ok. 

It makes me physically sick to think about her now though, just because we weren't friends, doesn't mean we have to be enemies does it?? Apparently it does with this girl!  I just HATE (and I try not to make it a habit) how FAKE some of these bitches are.  So plainly nice to your face and then trying to sabotage you behind your back to your friends just because, oh i dunno, you wore a sandal that they wanted to get, or something equally stupid.    Honestly, get a life

.  My only consolation is that in ten years, she's going to be a pot smoking, potbellied, lower middle class hag :D    SHHHH don't try to convince me otherwise!! 

    The sun came out today!!  In Vancouver here, we've been hit by this strange stifling heat wave that made me want to crawl into a deep underground cave and die.  I wanted rain, i wanted thunder, and damnit I wanted a lightening storm.  
It came and passed as wild as i imaged it would.  Of course, the heat didn't die off, I doubt that it would have but wishes might come true hey?? 

Anyways, the sun came out today, peaking it's head through right the moment when me and my friend were bonding on the grass during lunch.  It was this great moment of 'wow i love the earth' that came over us at that moment because she was breaking down and I was crying.   Then the sun came out and we just burst out laughing!!  
 There are moments where I don't hate the weather as I do everyday.  It was also perfect car wash today, me and my grade of girls all pooled out efforts together and organized a car wash for cops for cancer.   There were plenty of pervs who wanted to see young teenage girls parade around in cut offs and mini tanks so we raised up to a thousand dollars YAY. 
 After that me and my friend went out to hang and bask in our great efforts of changing the world before we got into a big disgussion about how much work are we REALLY doing.  LIke REALLY.  Who really knows.     But even though the disgusting, minimalistic, depressing tone in our talk.  I couldn't let it get me down.  I went home, rejected food, went for the cherries and know I won't be able to sleep tonight.

Maybe it's sun fever, but i feel like something is about to change in the air.